Essay: The Fear of Phad Phad is Legit

Sridevi Nayak K shares a personal essay tracing a fear to her childhood memory of being attacked and observes how we are what we are because of what happened to us.

I am scared of birds, and my dislike towards these creatures stems from every cell of my body. Yet I still choose to wear a pair of earrings with white feathers (faux) gifted by my sister.  Oh God, I hope it is not real.  Else my sister is going to get a serious dressing down from me. On the days when I wear those earrings, my heart skips a beat every time those feathers ruffle near my ears. I quickly remove them and neatly place them inside my bag. Not a single time have I come home the way I left.

I was four when a crow flew right past me and pecked on my twin brother’s head. We were with our mother and aunt to be dropped at kindergarten. My brother bawled his eyes, and cried his little lungs out. My mother was trying her best to pacify him. “Kaka maama has flown away, see, nothing happened, he has flown, stop crying,” she said, wiping his big pearls of tears rolling down. My aunt always went to extreme lengths to pour her love for male children and resented females. So, when she tried picking up my brother in her arms, it was evident in her action that my brother was more of hers rather than my mother’s. It was more of an act to show she was more entitled. My mother assured my aunt that she was managing the situation and slowly started to tighten her grip on my brother’s arm. I saw all of this unfolding happening in front of me, on the footpath, a few meters away from the school.